people to collaborate with on artsy creative projects. alignment in core values — e.g. around race, systems of power privilege and oppression. people to explore and practice with. to explore physically & somatically, but also through travel and experiences. to practice ways of being, relating — holding complexity, abundance, vulnerability. someone/people to practice discomfort and messiness with. to work through fear and shame together. someone/people to dance and move and grow with. partnership where we each get to flourish as our unique selves and also together. it’s complexity theory where you get to build this cool thing together that you can’t on your own but you don’t lose yourself in the process.
i want to practice big love, reciprocity, to not hide myself or make myself small. i want partnership that helps me to be more myself, my best self. partnership that makes it safe and exciting for each person in the partnership to do that. i want it to be safe for the other person to be more themselves too. i want to practice really clear communication, practice clarity, practice decisiveness, trust, honesty. radical honesty.
things that don’t work in partnership: complacency. we need to be choosing to be in relationship together. avoidance. codependency. doing things out of assumption of what the other wants. inability to look at conflict together, lack of listening. inability to be fully oneself because of beliefs around expectations. unreliability — i like dependability.
i like space, each having their own space but also sharing. trust is key. noticing is key. standing up for, encouraging, supporting, rooting for each other is key. intimacy — especially emotional — is important. but so is physical intimacy.
i miss napping next to someone.
i want partnership where we believe in ourselves and in one another.
i met someone today, two people actually, who look like me for real / have the same racial mixture as me and are at least one generation older than me. ever. first time ever in 29 years. i’ve never met people with japanese and white european ancestry who are more than 10 years older than me.
i never really thought about what i didn’t have, in terms of intergenerational visibility and representation. i just considered myself lucky for having mixed peers in my life, growing up. but to see folx with the same or similar mixture as me, in different stages of life, really shifted something in me. life i see the future differently. i don’t think i’ve thought much about the impact it’s had on me to not see people like me — at least racially — who are older. i’d never seen myself in anybody the way that i could, at least in some way, with them.
it’s possible that i need to lead as me. that i am done doing things to please others or to prove a point. i want my life to support a collective, a bigger thing, a greater good. i am unlearning a lot of internalized messages around duty, obligation. responsibility, purity, and what it means to be japanese.
i had a really good talk with myself. in the mirror, mostly naked. i said – what if i just decided to like my body, this body. i don’t remember specifics but – it’s up to me. i’m the only one judging my body this hard. i can stop with that. i don’t need these ideas of what i’m supposed to look like. this body is so great. and anyone who gets to share my body with me better fucking see that and believe that. or else, fuck them, they can go. next. and that includes versions of myself.
i call myself an abolitionist but am policing my own body. i stop trying to hope my body will become something it’s not, other than healthy.
loving my body in its change is a fucking radical thing. this body is busy restoring us, and has made so much progress in two months. 14 years of imbalance and disorder and my body is making progress in 60 days. that is magic.
this is me building my home – cozy, warm, soft, desirable, strong, unflappable, inviting, spacious, slow, open, abundant. gentle, loving, desirable.
hi. my body is miraculous. my body is a miracle.
video filmed on 10 november 2020 and published on 08 december 2020
i have deep desire for reciprocal attraction, romance, playful love. i want partnership* that is spacious but collaborative, interdependent, but not codependent. i want to be in deep honest trusting relationships oriented toward growth, joy, transformation, abundance, fullness, creativity, passion, spark, maybe a little chaos. something different.
i think that to feel grounded and secure are important to me in partnership. i think i want partnerships that are fun, pleasurable, and centered in aligning with liberatory futures and transforming worlds. one* that is creative. one where we can do creative artsy shit & magic together. and enjoy each other. and not worry so much. with good deep tender communication and good communicative playful sex and space for awkward uncomfortable squishy things and accountability and questions. shaping things, lives, spaces, time, dimensions together. one with travel, adventure, learning, growth, support, encouragement. one where we really think well of each other, fundamentally. and mutual desire and attraction and respect. and respectful, spacious disagreement. and good healthy ways of dealing with conflict.
we make dance films together and go on road trips and hike in the woods and swim and fight for justice, to dismantle these cistems. we dance so hard. we play. our inner kids shine. we love one another and love ourselves. we adapt. we “get” each other, we click, we flow. we take and make space.
(*a 09 jan 2021 note: not sure why i was specifying singular partnership)
i love the way i move. this hasn’t always been the case. but i feel like i keep growing into myself and finding my truest expression through movement. lately i’ve felt more playful in moving, too. i smile, laugh out loud when i relax. and take myself less seriously? or, it’s a different kind of joy. these last couple of days i’ve really felt that. just like, being my own best friend or something. really taking pleasure in being with myself, by myself.
i’m so grateful for my body, to get to live. for this existence in its complexity. for dance. for dance teaching me so much. for uncertainty — uncertainty makes things feel.
this week, self care looks like icing, elevating, and epsom salt soaking a sore hamstring, but more importantly, it looks like naming and examining the patterns i’ve internalized, and digging up the roots of those weeds so they stop causing harm. the self care looks like recognizing that a pattern i have is around feeling like i always have to prove myself, and prove my worth, and that i have to perform to please others, and that i need to do that to be exceptional. and that i have to be exceptional by these standards that someone else set. these standards that serve white supremacy, eurocentricity, heteropatriarchy, ableism, and extractive, manipulative capitalism.
this week’s self care is guided by change and freedom. recentering on the fact that the only lasting truth is change, as Octavia Butler wrote in the Earthseed verses. committing to the ongoing work of freeing myself from the toxic behaviors and beliefs that ever pervades the way we think about ourselves, one another, and the world of which we are just a part.
and now i work back towards greater balance. i commit to detangling myself from what i think i need to be in order to be worth it, or worth something, from the understanding that i am exactly where i need to be, and have nothing to prove. i commit to honoring and learning from the inner wisdom of my bodies of all subtleties, as i make my way back to myself.